Catherine

I'm getting rid of this baby. It's been real, livejournal, but I just can't find the time to take care of you like you deserve.

You guys know how to get in touch with me if you want. Ciao.

It's American University for me! It's going to kick ass.

Watch out, D.C. Bullard is coming.

A lot of times I feel like people write music just to write it. The lyrics are uninspired and dead-feeling and the chord progressions and rhythms are just something the artist thought up to pass some time. Well, let me tell you. The first track on Bob Dylan's album Desire, Hurricane, is incredible. It's stunning. It has such purpose and such overwhelming emotion and force. The message is faultless and the way Dylan can string words together is prodigious. I can't get over it! I feel the same way about Ravel's String Quartet in F major, which we're studying in music theory. It is the most capable and yet wistful piece of music I have ever heard. This is another one that you just have to listen to because it's beautiful in the best and most rhapsodical sense of the word.

It is so great to have the flu. I started feeling bad on Wednesday and came home from school early on Friday, and since then have finished two books and become incredibly restless, hence the entry. I hate feeling sick enough to be utterly apathetic about entertaining myself but frustrated enough to want something to do. Oh, flu shot. You failed me.

I got in to American! There's some good news! Even if it was good, that eustress is what pushed me over the edge, I think. The past two weeks have been stressful to an unheard of degree, and how better to respond than to fall ill? I wouldn't be so bitter except that lots of plans had to be cancelled, including Indian food with an English class support group that's never gotten together outside of school before. I had been excited about that, but... hey, sitting on a couch with pained joints and burning cheeks is just about as good.

I don't really know what else to say, because all of it would be sickened complaining. As a point of interest, I'm sustaining a 101.something fever! That's the highest it's been in years; I think my normal body temperature is somewhere around 97-ish. As a result I've had some crazy dreams, including one in which a very young friend of mine got married at a ceremony in which there were Jewish people breaking glasses, a Chinese dragon parade, and Greek dancing. It was kind of cool, but I woke up hot as hell and that wasn't so fun. To quote Shakespeare, "She red and hot as coals of glowing fire." Nevermind that the quote refers to tempestuous desire and not the flu.

I guess I'll go back to bed. With any luck my next entry will be of a little more public interest.

Philip and I broke up yesterday. It was a mutual decision and a very mature one, at that. I don't want to go into details about it, but I'm very proud of us for going ahead and splitting while we can still be friends - in other words, not waiting until things got embittered.

Obviously my coping process isn't over, but I really think things are going to be okay. I have no regrets and neither does he, and though it's not 100% fun now, I know we made the right choice. I'm disabling comments on this entry for reasons I hope you all understand.

Yesterday I got home and, after puttering around for awhile, I went to the library and checked out a ridiculous amount of books. Truly. I now have 19 books out from the library, and they are not slim little volumes, I can tell you. It was funny because I brought two huge canvas bags with me and, while entering the library, I saw some guy with a guitar case and a million plastic bags trying to unlock his bike, and I thought, "What a character." Then I realized that I was about to check out a motherlode of books, and I laughed at myself.

I think the library is a drug.

WORD OF THE YEAR: prestidigitation! It means deception.

Thank you, Thomas Hardy. What a word.

Ohhh boy. Tomorrow at the crack of dawn I'm flying to Minneapolis-St. Paul to visit Carleton College. I expect I'll be making friends with polar bears and Inuits. GET THIS: Right now in Minneapolis it's negative six degrees but feels like negative twenty four. Happily, tomorrow the high is a whole nineteen degrees. This is about when I start asking myself what the HECK I'm doing. Call me a southerner, but how do people live in temperatures like this?? I'm only staying the night, but nonetheless I think that I'll have to pack a full suitcase due to all the layers I'll need to bring, and lotion so my skin doesn't crack off.

WHAT?? I can't take my THROWING STARS onto the plane??

Yesterday Philip and I had our Valentine's date, since Tuesday is an awkward day to do it and the rest of the week was too busy. He got us three private ballroom dancing lessons! We'd talked about doing this months and months ago, but I'm sure it hasn't been mentioned since September. It was a great big huge surprise and incredibly sweet. :D For my present, I wrote him a romance short story called "The Revolutionary and the Barmaid" about the love of Pancho Villa's life. The whole evening was fun. The ballroom lessons were a surprise, so when I told my mom I didn't know what we were doing she flipped out (apparently interpreting a surprise date as an opportunity for me to get pregnant and contract STD's galore from strange men) and warned us not to go out of town and for me to remember who I am. Now I know where my irrational worrying comes from.

I have a lot to do today - packing, an essay, and preparation for two IB tapings (for French and acting) the day after I get back for which I have hardly prepared a damn thing. I'm going to regret that today when I'm up until two in the morning trying to remember good French and directing techniques. Aie!

Second update in an hour. Shut up.

I just realized the difference between loving writing and hating to write literary analysis. I love books. Philip had to manhandle me out of the library on Friday so I didn't get yet ANOTHER tome. Same thing with writing, although my hands do get tired after awhile. I will always read. I will always write. But writing about writing drives me crazy! Let the author do the work! Let Hardy decide where Tess is going to exclaim about what, let ME decide why the character is going to remark about something with a period at the end instead of an exclamation point, but let's please not write about it! I say if you read something and figure out for yourself the significance of this theme or that semicolon, that's awesome. Writing a paper about it is like writing an outline for a paper and then, when your paper ends up a little different, changing the outline! (Coincidentally, we have to do that for this English paper.) Let's not lose sight of the purpose of an outline, and let's not forget why writers choose words and punctuation and themes deliberately. It's for an effect, for communication, not to give an English teacher an idea for an assignment.

About not being an English major despite all other indication.

I've found that my posting rate goes up exponentially when I have assignments I don't want to do. There are IB exams soon that I should really start busting a move on, but hey. I'm a little more concerned about figuring out what college I got into than I am about that. Heck, I'm more concerned about plaque control than I am about that.

There's a lot of theatre stuff going on, but that gets tiring, but I still want to say it. SO:
1. My Shakespeare monologue went well and I really love playing the crazy bitch (Queen Margaret from King Richard the Third).
2. I'm doing my senior direct right now, "Love Letters" by A.R. Gurney, and it's great but verrry delicate.
3. I'm Nora in Lannan's independent study "A Doll's House" project. Philip is Krogstad. Marital strife!

So anyway, yesterday I saw Capote (ALONE because no one else could go and I was going to see that movie, dammit) and was blown away. Philip Seymour Hoffman and Catherine Keener are phenomenal actors. I hope they win big at the Oscars because they deserve it. I think Capote was even better than Brokeback Mountain, which I thought was fantastic. (The script!) That rather heavy movie followed a rather heavy conversation about God (or the lack thereof) with my youth leader, Trey. Today I saw Wit (the play version) and was also very impressed and weighted. RLT is a brave company to put on something like this in the wake of the Terry Shiavo case. That and the nudity - in Raleigh!?? Go RLT.

I'm not sure that rather dry post had any benefits to anyone else, but... I wasted about twenty minutes! Ehhh. Second semester.

I think we are all entitled to a little bit of materialistic pride every once and awhile. Thus,




(Those are fish earrings and I love them.)

Short hair! And boy, do I mean it. It's a good four or five inches above my shoulder.

!

Jesus.

For those of you who don't know, I was in a wreck today. I and everyone escaped without any injuries, and the tank-of-a-Volvo is fine, but the other two cars are not so okay. Lannan's can drive, but poor Nevitt probably lost her ole' faithful Mercury Tracer. Its hood was crunched up and smoking for a little while.

Anyway, after a whole afternoon of various relief tactics, of both savory and unsavory nature, I think I can relax enough to go to sleep. I am exhausted.

But I do have a funny story from it; I stopped really fast to avoid hitting a stopped car in the road (I am marrying my ABS tomorrow at three) and then Lannan hit my back bumper pretty hard, and then there was ANOTHER thud and my first reaction was, "Good lord, she reversed and ran into me again!"

Oh my word.

1. I was able to shut off my worry-meter several times. I was worrying about dumb unfounded things and I told myself to quit, and with a little elbow grease, I did.

2. I started rereading Marion Zimmer Bradley's The Mists of Avalon. I was afraid that I wouldn't like it as much now as I did in seventh grade, and it is a little different, but I still really enjoy it. I still remember some of the scenes, but the cool thing is that I only remember them as they're happening. It's like opening a bunch of presents.

3. College!

4. RALPH VAUGHAN WILLIAMS SYMPHONY #2 "THE LONDON." HOLY COW! I have been listening to a fragment of this piece on tape for YEARS and never knew who wrote it or what it was called. Now I know and it makes so much sense and it was ole' Ralph all along! Reminder: Buy his fifth symphony (I think that's it).

5. The library reopened! It is so beautiful and HUGE and new books are all over the place. I ended up there twice yesterday and it's so exciting. I almost got a book about Pol Pot's regime, but I didn't have armspace. Or timespace.( Here's what I did get. ) Nevitt also loaned me a fun fantasy book, The Hounds of the Morrigan, by Pat O'Shea, and a really awesome book by Colleen McCullough, The Thorn Birds. READING TIME.

6. I went to Philip's and watched two episodes of Alias. You know how sometimes there's nothing tangibly special about an outing, but it's just one of the best things you've doen in awhile? That's how this afternoon was with him.

7. I started working on my senior direct and it is going to be awesome. I'm going to give everything I've got to this so that it doesn't seem like a student-directed piece of melodrama. I know the script is good enough (an edited version of Love Letters by A.R. Gurney), but I'm worried about my choices for it. There is SO much to think about when directing. It blows my mind. I remember watching and listening to Ms. Scarborough direct Candide and almost falling down thinking about all the work she had to do before we even got to rehearsals. Whew. It's exciting!

I got in to UNC! I AM going to college!

Not to be ingrateful, but now I can only think of the long wait until March or April, when I hear from American. Oh gee.

Since it feels like anathema to even begin studying today, I will give a Run Down.

Today Michael, Ed, Philip, Nevitt, and I went to a cheap (and pretty decent) Chinese place on Hillsborough. We were having a great time talking about exams and who of the five of us would have a nervous breakdown first in life (I took the cake) when some guy in a Baja Burrito shirt walked in and started eyeing our table as if he was an FBI investigator (we had been talking about wiretapping). Pretty soon I was venting about a frustrating conversation I had once and when I came to the semi-punchline the guy started laughing and then said he didn't mean to listen in, but, well, I'll just start talking to you guys. Not like I meant to listen in or anything. He looked a little creepy so I decided it was time to go. We'd been there a long time anyway.

I have calculus and French tomorrow - my two hardest exams. I wish they had been first, if they had to be together at all, so that I could've gotten them out of the way before I got exam fatigue. Oh well. This exam week I started and finished a book called First They Killed My Father about the Pol Pot regime in Cambodia. If I can finish a book like that I guess I haven't been working too hard. It's a GREAT book, you should read it. It gave me weird dreams last night. I had to find my family amongst the thatched huts that were undergoing shellfire and massacres by the Khmer Rouge soldiers. Don't mix first person accounts of genocide and sleeping. It's not restful.

And for those of you who've read the novel I've been working on for so long, I recently chopped out the WHOLE Emalore section! That's twenty chapters out of the thirty three! I'm going to save a few events and people from the section and restructure them so that they don't take so damn long to get through and they're less dramatic. For anyone who has ever written a story, isn't it liberating to FINALLY figure out a solution and execute it? Sentimental attachment makes it tough sometimes, but when a section's gotta go...

This ( Read more... ) is better than studying for Calculus.

I think I'm abusing my livejournal by doing so many memes. My brain isn't up for much else right now; I am absolutely going to fail the calculus test tomorrow and today, despite the fact that I finished two IB papers, a short story, and part of a history paper the night before, neglected to prepare the THIRD IB paper for its turn-in fifth period, so I said I was sick and left for two periods to go get the damn thing. It has been a stressful day. Oh well! I hope I will go study now, but I might just read and make a cake.

Oh, God. Cake.

Anyway, I finished one $20,000 Davidson-specific creative writing scholarship application the other day. Luckily, they will accept it despite the fact that it was supposed to be postmarked on a day everything was closed and so it's technically a day late. Dad suggested last night I work on a scholarship a week, and I kind of went berserk on him. I felt bad afterwards, but man oh man. There is only so much one person can do, no matter how much money is in it. Anyway, I still haven't heard from any colleges - not like I'm supposed to, but I'm antsy. I just want to know I got in SOMEWHERE.

I'm trying to think of positive, non-school related things to say. New Years was so much fun! I spent the night at Philip and Emily's house with Michael and Meredith. Philip, Emily, Meredith and I played a vicious game of Monopoly that I almost won because I am a ruthless landowner. Michael and Philip played Halo during all this, too, a game that I completely don't understand. I must be female or something. I can understand righteous killing! I love war movies with righteousness! But Halo just seems... lacking in the whole motivation department. Whatever. The bodies fall and the blood flows; I guess that's enough for most people.

Okay, it's time to buckle down. Have you ever taken Calculus? If not, don't unless your mind is made up of different cells than mine is. I hope this is the last math class I will ever take.

*PAST*

1* First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Wells
2* Last words you said: "Call me tonight or tomorrow or sometime. Bye." It was an articulate moment, what can I say.
3* Last song you sang: ! That song from South Pacific... "If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true??"
4* Last person you hugged: Char, because she felt crummy.
5* Last thing you laughed at: Stephen Colbert. He tried to get a Congressman to take a bite out of his "tender looking" ear.
6* Last time you said I don’t remember: Pssh. A Catherine never forgets.
7* Last time you cried: Oh, I don't know. Probably a couple weeks ago but not since.

*PRESENT*

9* What color socks are you wearing: Gray with snow flakes. They come up past my knees.
10* What's under your bed: An old school fire escape ladder and a present I haven't delivered to my aunt and uncle from my 2001 France trip, a rug that Mom randomly put there.
11* What time did you wake up today: I woke up for good around 8:45, but I slept awfully last night.
13* Current hair: It's getting looonger... if it doesn't start curling like it used to I'll hack it off.
15* Current annoyance: Winter break is way too short.
16* Current longing: That I know if I got into American or not. Dammit.
17* Current desktop background: A picture of a concrete porch with marigolds bordering the bottom. It's some geo-artist's work but I can't remember his name.
18* Current worry: Actually... I might be worried out right now. Sweet.
19* Current hate: Haters.
20* Current favorite article of clothing: The Carleton fetal-position hoodie. Oh yessss.
21* Favorite physical feature(s) of the preferred sex: Eyes, hands, hands, hands. eyes.
22* Last CD that you listened to: My German-ed CD! Did you know that "I have to vomit" in German is "Ich muss mich ubergeben"!???
23* Favorite place to be: With good people. It doesn't really matter where. I could stand going to Europe or the Middle East or India, though.
24* Least favorite place: I've always been sure I'd hate LA, but I've never been. Thaaat's not judgemental.
25* Time you wake up in the morning: Weekdays, 6:30 or earlier. Everything else is before eight.
26* If you could play an instrument, what would you play: Cello or violin, provided I'd actually be good on them.
27* Favorite color: Red
28* Do you believe in an afterlife: Can we not go into this. I'm too tired.
29* How tall are you: 5'6" on a good day.
30* Current favorite word/saying: "That's ridiculous."
31* Favorite book: I hate this question! I just finished The Chosen, by Chaim Potok and it was fantastic, but it's not my favorite ever. Pass.
32* Favorite season: Fall. Sometimes spring but only when it's freezing outside.
33* One person from your past you wish to see: Brandon Demery. What a hilarious person.
35* Where do you want to go for college?: AMERICAN. They sent me a letter today saying, "Your file is complete and an admissions decision has been made. You will be notified of it in early March." Sadists.
36* What do you want your career to be: Foreign service so I can speak lots of languages, eat lots of different kinds of food, meet people that will broaden my horizons, and generally get the most out of life on earth. I can't wait.
37* How many kids do you want: A, um, dog. Dogs don't need spending money.

*HAVE YOU EVER...*

39* Said "I love you" and meant it: Yes.
40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish,etc.: Are you kidding me.
41* Been to New York: Yes.
42* Been to Florida: Nope. Yes.
43* Been to California: Yes.
44* Been to Hawaii: No, and honestly it's not too high on the list.
45* Been to Mexico: Almost but not quite.
46* Been to China: No, but I really want to. If their novels/films are that good, surely the place is good, too. :D
48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I think that's happened before, but I can't think of a specific time. No, really.

*RANDOM*

52* Do you have a crush on someone: Does it count if I'm dating someone?
53* What book are you reading now?: Snow by Orhan Pamuk (a Turkish man!) and I'm about to start Ben-Hur by Lew Wallace.
54* Worst feeling in the world: Being out of control of yourself.
55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Oh, I think about how best to gear my life towards the attainment of world peace and prosperity... I compose the letters to my congressmen I plan to write that day...
56* How many rings before you answer: I actually don't keep track, bucko.
57* Future daughter's name: Well, given I'm more interested in dogs... hell, it's just weird to even answer this question as if pets will be your children. People that refer to their dogs as their children make me wonder.
58* Future son's name: It's still true.
59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, but I used to have a full-fledged zoo in bed with me every night.
60* If you could have any job RIGHT NOW: Presidential Advisor. I'll show you, Bushie.
61* Wish were here: Actually, right now I'm pretty happy with the solitude. *emoemo*
62* College plans: Undergrad somewhere, grad school in foreign relations somewhere, then working for the government either as a translator or a diplomat.
63* Piercings: One in each ear. I kind of want some more on my ears, but I think they're too small.
64* Do you do drugs: Not even Sudafed.
65* Do you drink: Of course not. That's sinful. Downright sinful.
67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Cheap stuff, which now I kind of regret. V05 shampoo, some $1.07 conditioner. FLEX. That's the brand.
68* What are you most scared of: Losing control of myself. AND THE WORLD.
69* What clothes do you sleep in: As much as possible in the winter. One night I had on pajamas, a hoodie, socks, and a bathrobe. I should not go to college in the north.
70* Who is the last person that called you: Char, even though I missed her call.
71* Where do you want to get married: Whoa, there. We only just met.
72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: I’d be able to freaking loosen up.
73* Who do you really hate: "When you judge people, you have no time to love them." Mother T. I pity the fool.
74* Been In Love: Yes.
75* Are you timely or always late: Usually I'm early, unless I get lost.
76* Do you have a job: No. That is a little embarassing.
77* Do you like being around people: Unless I'm tired and ready to read a book, I love people.
78* Best feeling in the world: Writing the perfect sentence.
79* Are you for world peace: Hell no, bitches.
80* Are you a health freak: I wish.
81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: Given my elementary school love of AJ from the Backstreet Boys, I'd say I'm attracted to "bad boys". Oooh, doesn't that make me feel special.
83* Are you lonely right now: Nah.
84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: I wake up in cold sweats. No I don't. As long as I get married and stay that way happily I'll be fine.
85* Do you want to get married: We'll see. I'm not ruling it out.
86* Do you want kids? HOLD ON, did we already go over this? No way.

*IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*

87* Cried: No.
88* Bought Something: A hamburger, I owe some money for the Smirnoff, and delicious pad thai. Ohhhhh.
89* Gotten Sick: No siree.
90* Sang: And how.
91* Said I Love You: I'm pretty sure I did. What a lousy answer. :D
92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Oh, definitely.
93* Met Someone: Yes! Cara and her friend... god, what was her name...
94* Moved On: What a funny question. No, there was nothing to leave.
95* Talked To Someone: Actually, I'm hiding out by myself in an Afghanistani cave.
96* Had A Serious Talk: OH, I did go to the doctor. Does that count?
97* Missed Someone: I missed Lynsay last night!
98* Hugged Someone: Oh yes. And you already asked me that FOOL.
99* Yelled at Someone: No, I've been very evenly tempered.
100* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: No. Luckily that isn't a big plague of my life.

The fucking Dixie Chicks are stuck in my head. Thanks, Josh.

Picking a monologue the slacker's way: Sparknotes and random monologue compilations! So much for artistic inspiration. I picked one by Lady Macbeth even though in a lot of ways I'm about to be sick of Macbeth. Me, I beat dead horses. You?

This entry is going to come off as WAY aggressive because there's so much stuff going on these days and I'm rather stressed out. DID YOU KNOW that you can faint from being so angry?! I almost did a few times in English because Mrs. Nelson is irresponsible, disrespectful, catty, passive-aggressive, and incompetent. I've decided to quit taking crap from people I don't like. It's time for Ruthless Catherine!

In Calculus I fell completely asleep for the first time EVER in a class and dreamed I was talking to Nevitt about a project while we were in a dungeon and that Josh Silver was panicking because he couldn't drive a Lincoln Cadillac. When I woke up I was 100% confused!



TIME. Why is there not more time for things. I hate it because I want to keep doing so much theatre stuff and then I realize that I haven't been out of rehearsal since August and it would be REALLY nice to be able to read again. Or maybe even go to a club like that one I started. Right.

I have so many books from the library! The Mists of Avalon, First They Killed My Father (griiiiiiim boooooooks), The Rise of Jihad in Central Asia, The Subtle Knife (I'd have Philip Pullman's kids any day of the week as long as I could get his writing skills), and some others I can't remember. I will never read them all by February but they're nice to look at. OH and Ben Hur. That one is almost a joke but I'm interested in it anyway.

I really wish I had the guts to sing in front of people.

Over and WAY out.

My stomach hurts. Cambell's, you betrayed me. Your harmless chicken and stars soup is actually so shoddily made that it upset my insides. Thanks for nothing. The only way you're cool is through the eyes of Andy Warhol.

Beyond that minor setback, (which is getting worse as I type, happily enough), this weekend has been nice because it means last week is over. After Candide ended (the play - it suffices to say I was crazy-busy for several weeks in rehearsal) I thought I'd get a break, but since it was the last week of the quarter I had NO respite until Friday afternoon. I went to a really funny play with Philip and his family and last night went to a Halloween party as a mafia woman. This reads as an "expensive" date. Or somewhat of a whore. I was more concerned with whether my eyes would collapse from the weight of all the makeup on them (which may have finally come off). Tonight I kicked back and watched The Incredibles while the rest of my family went out to various and sundry places, but I got unnecessarily freaked out by the sounds of a cockroach skittering around in the tin trashcan near the TV. I thought a raccoon had gotten into the house and was imagining a rabid confrontation, but then I saw the roach and it was all better. But still pretty gross. I guess this comes with living in an old house. Anyhow, the movie was hilarious because I felt like I knew most of the characters. The insecure Incredible girl reminded me of ME in middle school and it was funny.

Is anyone else worried about avian flu? I hope that doesn't trigger any alarmist reaction (Maire) but the other day I did a little number on myself and let my imagination get carried away about what would happen if it hit pandemic status. I just hope I don't develop OCD about germs, because now whenever I wash my hands I feel that much safer. :)

And how about those indictments. Woo boy, the house is a-burnin'! Politics is so fascinating. I'm reading stuff about the Kennedy administration for fun and have developed a schoolgirl crush on Robert McNamara. I just can't help myself.

I was just on Barnes & Noble's website looking for book reviews and out of NOWHERE Emeril pops up and yells at me to click on him. He scared me almost to the point of death. EMERIL GO AWAY, I COOK WITHOUT TV'S.

And I'm eighteen now. Ohhh man.